I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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