in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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