its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
