I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
