don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
