Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Success! We fucked roommates!
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