I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
