WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
