Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love having hate sex.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
