Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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