we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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