You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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