My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
