got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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