Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
