best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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