bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
