Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Everyone says I win the strip club
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
