Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
