What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
