I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
