I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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