Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
