Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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