I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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