the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
