im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
