People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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