Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
