oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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