I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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