I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
