i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
