I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
