the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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