hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
