Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
