I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
