New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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