last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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