Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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