she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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