i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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