you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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