You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just want nice things and good sex
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
