i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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