don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
