Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
