I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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