I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
