I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
