I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
